My Stubborn Father

Lulu wrote:

I need your advice on my father. My mom passed away about 6 months ago. My father was devastated as they were together for over 60 years. My mom always took care of financial and household stuff. My father has no clue about any and he had to learn to do all those himself with our help.

We are happy to help and spend time with him. Somehow, he feels that he needs to find someone to live with him and to take care of him. We offered for him to move in with any of us and
he doesn’t want to.

Recently, he met this woman who is about 20 years younger than him (around our age). He is 84 years old. She was a widow twice. He met
her for only about 2 weeks and then asked her to move in to stay in his house to help him, and she is doing so. We don’t know what deal he made with her. We are concerned about this as we don’t think this woman has a true interest in him besides his assets. He has said about giving his house away to someone who will stay and take care of him until he dies.

We sat down and talked to him about the fact that he should not easily trust someone who he doesn’t know well and that we don’t think he knows this woman well. We thought that it was too soon as mom just passed away. We said that we are happy that he meets people but we just think that this woman may have financial motive. His response was that he can do whatever he wants.

His current will states that his children equally receives his assets when he dies. However, we think that he might do something else with his assets or his will without us knowing. Is there a way that we can talk to knock a sense into him or do something to protect him and us?

Dear Lulu

Assuming your father is of sound mind - and he is, or you would have said so - then the decisions are entirely his. His house, his money, his will, his life.

And if you push it, then you may be sure that he will change his will, with or without encouragement from his ladyfriend. Unless you learn to accept this, you have lost him; he will feel that you care nothing for him, only his money. Forget for a moment that he's your father - think of him as an old and close friend. same rules apply; if you respected his judgement before, respect it now.

It doesn't really matter what her motives are; At his age, I'm guessing he's flattered by the attentions of a younger woman, and I'm also guessing he ain't stupid. Don't drive him away.

Let him know that you are there for him, and you always will be. Wish him well, and mean it. As it stands, he could well be planning to spend time with her, while providing for you. Why blow it?