Mid Life Crisis at 28?

Beth wrote:

God I hate this it seems so weird. But I hope you can offer some advice at least. Two years ago I met a man, I had never been interested in relationships but he chased me for a while, and eventually I gave in, well I fell in love and lost myself in him. It was no longer about me but him. He asked me to move in with him after about 9 months together. I said yes.

After a year of living together, him with lots of debt and deciding to go back to studying and me in my last year of university we, well he decided it would be good to move back home to our parents houses for a few months until I finished and got a job. I fell for it all, he told me and my family he loved me and wanted to marry me one day, we had planned to go abroad when he finished his studies. As you can imagine we were going through a rocky patch during the move back to our parents, my finals and his debt problems. But I loved him and he loved me, well at least I thought he did.

Anyway, suddenly two weeks ago he told me he didn't want to move in with me, in fact he didn't know whether he wanted to be with me and needed space. He thinks he is going through a mid-life crisis, he is only 28 though, but I believed him and told him I would be there if he needed me. I couldn't do it, I felt sooo rejected and he was so cold to me. I didn't think it was fair as he would not compromise at all, I asked him to let me know how long I would have to wait and he said he didn't know. How could I wait for someone to decide whether they wanted to be with me? To me I love him and knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

Now I feel awful, I told him I couldn't wait and he said he understood, he cried and I did. But then on my graduation day I found out from his friend that he had told his friends we had broken up a week before we actually did. I was so angry that he put me though all that pain when he knew what he wanted from the beginning. I called him and shouted at him, telling him how spineless I thought he was.

But now I feel sad, I love him so much that even if he doesn't want to be with me I don't want to leave it with him thinking I hurt him. I want him to be ok, I really do. What should I do, call him and apologise? leave him, he will call me if he loves me enough? if so how long does it take for a man to realise he actually does love someone enough to be with them?

Dear Beth

It's over; there's nothing you can do about it. he's handled it badly, probably because he knew how hurt you would be.

But it's over, and there's nothing you can do. Nothing.

You could wait around for the miracle that his change of mind would be, but we both know that is not going to happen. His distress is not doubt, it's guilt at how he's let you fool yourself, and he's not had the courage to let you down gently before. Long before.

You really have no choice. Move on.