Husband Reading Porn Too

PrincessStarlight wrote:

I was reading your article, husband reading porn, and it hit home far more than I can express to you.

My husband and I have been together for five years, married for one. I found porn on his computer two years ago, at which time he claimed 'it was his best friend's'. I understood, because his best friend was single and visiting from out, so I shrugged it off.

A couple of days ago, I found it on his computer again. However, this time, it was movies, not links, that were in his recycle bin. And of course, this time, there was no best friend visiting, or the like. When I asked him about it, and why he'd lied the first time I found it, he said it was because he was embarrassed. I couldn't help but feel betrayed.

I told him every embarrassing thing I hold inside before we got married so there would be no secrets. And now I learn he's lied to me to spare himself his own mbarrassment... Ultimately only succeeding in making me feel worse and more hurt learning now that he had lied, and that this is really what he is watching.

You suggested in your article to figure out exactly what was bothering the woman writing you, about her husband watching porn, and/or the lie he told to conceal it. Being that our stories are SO similar, I can relate to her feelings, and would like to share my own in hopes that you can offer some advice to help me deal with this, as well as the other women reading your column.

There are many aspects of this that are hurting me deeply. I'll list them here in hopes that you can offer more advice than those I've spoken to. "It's a guy thing, they're visual creatures," and "It has nothing to do with you," just doesn't seem to make the hurt any less..

What hurts about the situation:

1. That he has the desire to, and does, look at other, younger women with better bodies than myself doing things I can't or wouldn't do.

2. That he's turning to looking at other women to get sexually satisfied, aroused, or the like, rather than coming to the warm, willing and able body in the next room that he calls 'wife' for the same.

3. That he has any desire to look at other women. I don't get turned on by looking at or thinking about anyone but him. Why does he need to look at other women to be fulfilled?

4. That he lied to me.

5. That I have no way to know if he's going to live sites and interacting with any of these women when I'm not home.

6. It makes me afraid that he may be doing more that he as as well lied to me about. A fear I NEVER had until finding the porn.

After reading many sites on the subject, I went to him last night and asked him if he wanted to try watching a 'softer' porn movie with me. I myself find porn disgusting and feel dirty thinking that he could be making love to me after watching these other women, rather than having been turned on by me alone, but I was willing to try to incorporate this into our sex life if it was something he'd enjoy. I was trying to be open minded, and in a way giving. Trying to be flexible and consider his 'turn-ons' in our sex life as well as my
own.

His reaction made me feel stupid and foolish for even trying. He looked at me like I was crazy, told me he didn't in ANY way want that, and asked me if our relationship was in trouble.. all because I asked him if he wanted me to watch this with him.

I do understand that men like to watch this (despite how disgusting I find it). I do understand that it's not 'cheating' on me, or intended in any way, on his part, to reflect on me. What I don't understand is how not to hurt over the fact that he's watching and looking at other women in this manner. How not to hurt that he lied. How not to feel inadequate and somehow lacking, that he would feel the desire to look elsewhere, at any level. I thought he was happy with me. Happy with the sex life we share and the visual stimulation he has within our own bedroom.

Was I wrong? Please. Help me understand how to understand my husband, and why he's doing this. I've tried to speak to him about this and he gets visually embarassed and tells me he doesn't know how to explain it to me, but that it has nothing to do with me. I don't' want to hurt, anger, embarrass, or upset him over this. I know this is my own problem and insecurity.

Dear PrincessStarlight

I wish I could ease that pain, at least by explaining the process; but I cannot. There's plenty of literature on porn, but so far as I'm aware, no consensus that explains what is actually happening.

A few thoughts to consider:

Porn does seem to be addictive; those men that pick up the habit do so in their teens, and it never leaves them, it seems.

Part of the denial and lying goes back to this teenage attitude, with the guilt that went with it.

Many people - both men and women - have a fantasy life that is never really a threat to 'real life'. For most, it is never discussed, no harm is done, and the sex life, if anything, is enriched by it. The difference seems to be that women can hold a fantasy, be it Elvis or Tome Cruise, from teen years on, and it's entirely internal. Men are not so good at the internal thing; it becomes external, more tangible, but also more generalized - some anonymous woman rather tahn an individual. How much of this is cultural, how much is about genuine sex differences, I couldn't guess.

Men DO think about sex much more than women, and some will turn to porn rather than chase other women. Some, of course, do both.

Men who use porn are under no illusions; they don't seriously believe they 'have a chance' with the women, and, mostly, would never make any comparison between porn and their own (chosen) companion.

None of this excuses porn; I'm merely trying to throw a little light on it.

The tragedy is that the breakdown in trust is probably the most hurtful and dangerous part of it, if your sex life is good - but for most men, the fear of being caught is simply too great to allow honesty.

I do strongly believe that an individual man either likes porn, or doesn't. they don't change. So once the matter is out in the open, if discussion cannot bring peace, then one - or both of you - need to seek external help, such as counselling.

For me, one of the worst aspects is the general degradation of women, and the reduction of sex to simply masturbation that porn entails. Trouble is, men and women are worlds apart, and I see no way of changing that.