Friends No Longer Friendly?
I will try to explain this in depth so you will understand. I have had
the same group of friends for nearly 20 years. This is going to be complicated,
but I will do my best. I won't give real names but breif descriptions
of these "so called" friends. There are five of them and we
have seemed to clash over the years.
I am far from innocent but when I say that my innocence has not ever
affected these girls. ie. My life's choices should be mine, friends shouldn't
judge me over it. I never took from them, I never stole from them, nor
have I ever judged them for the choices they've made. I don't care what
they do as long as it doesn't affect me. I am dating a guy whom they don't
approve of, they say is a loser, a guy who has a bad rep. etc...etc..fine
I listen to them and am willing to take everything they say into consideration.
Does that mean I have to take their advice? No...it does not.
One of the friends is dating a married man, this would not be the first
marriage she has ruined. Out for money this girl and when the money runs
out and she wins the man, she walks. I've never agreed with it, but remained
One of the other friends finds this guy who makes a fair amount of money,
uses up his money while he became her live in babysitter while she was
out cheating on him etc...etc..I was still her friend and never said a
word. I don't judge!
The other friend has this notion that whatever is said to anyone should
be repeated. I would confide in her and the next day everything I said
would be in the next addition of the paper. I forgave her for all of that,
after asking her, please do not repeat my personal business. Her response
was, "if you don't want something repeated, don't say it." It
wasn't as though I was bashing another friend, I was telling her about
my personal issues that I felt should have been kept a secret. Anyway,
I forgave that.
The other friend is a bit of a follower, we could be getting along great
one day and if one of the other friends gets upset with me (and normally
the reasons they get upset are made up, lame reasons) this particular
friend will be mad at me too. We are all grown adults with children and
this makes no sense to me anyway.
Now this brings me to the current situation. I like I've said am dating
a guy that none of them like. They don't have to as far as I'm concerned,
but I was on the phone one day with the friend who makes a habit of stealing
husbands and I was telling her I didn't know how much more I could take
from my boyfriend. He isn't a bad guy but is very set in his ways...ex...I
have two daughters ages 8 and 10, they seem to slack on doing things around
the house and he gets on them in a way I would never.
I know he cares about my kids and just wants to show them at their young
ages how important it is to pick up after themselves. I just feel often
times his approach is wrong. There are other things but in telling her
or rather venting to her, she kept telling me to get rid of him....He
is a loser, I could do better blah, blah, blah....So I didn't listen to
my heart and I threw him out fully regreting it.
After I did this I get a call from this friend later that night. She
was drunk telling me how uncaring I am, how selfish I am for kicking him
out. I couldn't even believe it. She tells me how much better I could
do, I take her advice and then she gets mad at me. Funny thing is, she
can't stand the guy. I clearly do NOT understand that and as a result
all five friends are mad at me for that or so they claim is the reason.
Never have I showed them one ounce of disrespect, never have I treated
them with such rudeness.
I know the right thing to do, get rid of those friends but I don't want
to walk without saying how I feel. I know they aren't good friends to
me and its been proven over the years but when you live in a small town
you seem to have the same friends or at least its the circle you are used
to. Now here I sit feeling alone, wondering day after day what I've done
so wrong to them.
There is so much more but you would be reading all day.
Is there anything I could do or say to get my pride back? Is there anything
I could say to make myself feel better about this? I don't know what to
do. I think about the fun times we used to have, but always with a price.
But in a strange way I miss them, and the reason I do is because I didn't
judge them. No matter what flaws they had I always over looked that. I
don't understand why they are being so cold hearted with me, I don't understand
what I've done wrong and I can't get an answer out of any of them. My
attempts to call them have only made me look and feel like a fool.
Could someone offer some advice as to what they would do? Need I remind
them of their flaws? Although I don't want to play that role of "getting
back at them." I am just so confused, and so tired of pleasing them...Someone
please offer something. And thanks for reading.
You've given a lot of good advice here - and also, I'm sure, to those
But, as you've often said, "You Know What To Do" - and the
one time you go against your heart, things go wrong.
Having said that, I do hope you'll think very carefully before you act.
"I know the right thing to do, get rid of those friends but I don't
want to walk without saying how I feel." and you also said "Although
I don't want to play that role of 'getting back at them.'"
You want closure, but you know there's no 'right and wrong' in friendship,
just different points of view. You won't get closure, you'll just get
more grief, and so it will go on.
Also, you said it's a small town!
Much better, I feel, to pull away a little from these people. Don't burn
any bridges, things might be different later. You've been friends for
a long time, despite your differences. It may be that such ill-matched
friends are too good to lose.
And I'm not knocking it - some of us choose (probably unconsciously)
to have friends with very different lives - it keeps us on the straight
and narrow, and it's rarely boring!
To summarise, by all means withdraw for now. If the friendships are over,
there's plenty of time to rejig your life. But not right now