Friends No Longer Friendly?

TurnipBook wrote:

I will try to explain this in depth so you will understand. I have had the same group of friends for nearly 20 years. This is going to be complicated, but I will do my best. I won't give real names but breif descriptions of these "so called" friends. There are five of them and we have seemed to clash over the years.

I am far from innocent but when I say that my innocence has not ever affected these girls. ie. My life's choices should be mine, friends shouldn't judge me over it. I never took from them, I never stole from them, nor have I ever judged them for the choices they've made. I don't care what they do as long as it doesn't affect me. I am dating a guy whom they don't approve of, they say is a loser, a guy who has a bad rep. etc...etc..fine I listen to them and am willing to take everything they say into consideration. Does that mean I have to take their advice? No...it does not.

One of the friends is dating a married man, this would not be the first marriage she has ruined. Out for money this girl and when the money runs out and she wins the man, she walks. I've never agreed with it, but remained her friend.

One of the other friends finds this guy who makes a fair amount of money, uses up his money while he became her live in babysitter while she was out cheating on him etc...etc..I was still her friend and never said a word. I don't judge!

The other friend has this notion that whatever is said to anyone should be repeated. I would confide in her and the next day everything I said would be in the next addition of the paper. I forgave her for all of that, after asking her, please do not repeat my personal business. Her response was, "if you don't want something repeated, don't say it." It wasn't as though I was bashing another friend, I was telling her about my personal issues that I felt should have been kept a secret. Anyway, I forgave that.

The other friend is a bit of a follower, we could be getting along great one day and if one of the other friends gets upset with me (and normally the reasons they get upset are made up, lame reasons) this particular friend will be mad at me too. We are all grown adults with children and this makes no sense to me anyway.

Now this brings me to the current situation. I like I've said am dating a guy that none of them like. They don't have to as far as I'm concerned, but I was on the phone one day with the friend who makes a habit of stealing husbands and I was telling her I didn't know how much more I could take from my boyfriend. He isn't a bad guy but is very set in his ways...ex...I have two daughters ages 8 and 10, they seem to slack on doing things around the house and he gets on them in a way I would never.

I know he cares about my kids and just wants to show them at their young ages how important it is to pick up after themselves. I just feel often times his approach is wrong. There are other things but in telling her or rather venting to her, she kept telling me to get rid of him....He is a loser, I could do better blah, blah, blah....So I didn't listen to my heart and I threw him out fully regreting it.

After I did this I get a call from this friend later that night. She was drunk telling me how uncaring I am, how selfish I am for kicking him out. I couldn't even believe it. She tells me how much better I could do, I take her advice and then she gets mad at me. Funny thing is, she can't stand the guy. I clearly do NOT understand that and as a result all five friends are mad at me for that or so they claim is the reason. Never have I showed them one ounce of disrespect, never have I treated them with such rudeness.

I know the right thing to do, get rid of those friends but I don't want to walk without saying how I feel. I know they aren't good friends to me and its been proven over the years but when you live in a small town you seem to have the same friends or at least its the circle you are used to. Now here I sit feeling alone, wondering day after day what I've done so wrong to them.

There is so much more but you would be reading all day.

Is there anything I could do or say to get my pride back? Is there anything I could say to make myself feel better about this? I don't know what to do. I think about the fun times we used to have, but always with a price.

But in a strange way I miss them, and the reason I do is because I didn't judge them. No matter what flaws they had I always over looked that. I don't understand why they are being so cold hearted with me, I don't understand what I've done wrong and I can't get an answer out of any of them. My attempts to call them have only made me look and feel like a fool.

Could someone offer some advice as to what they would do? Need I remind them of their flaws? Although I don't want to play that role of "getting back at them." I am just so confused, and so tired of pleasing them...Someone please offer something. And thanks for reading.

Dear TurnipBook

You've given a lot of good advice here - and also, I'm sure, to those friends.

But, as you've often said, "You Know What To Do" - and the one time you go against your heart, things go wrong.

Having said that, I do hope you'll think very carefully before you act. You said:

"I know the right thing to do, get rid of those friends but I don't want to walk without saying how I feel." and you also said "Although I don't want to play that role of 'getting back at them.'"

You want closure, but you know there's no 'right and wrong' in friendship, just different points of view. You won't get closure, you'll just get more grief, and so it will go on.

Also, you said it's a small town!

Much better, I feel, to pull away a little from these people. Don't burn any bridges, things might be different later. You've been friends for a long time, despite your differences. It may be that such ill-matched friends are too good to lose.

And I'm not knocking it - some of us choose (probably unconsciously) to have friends with very different lives - it keeps us on the straight and narrow, and it's rarely boring!

To summarise, by all means withdraw for now. If the friendships are over, there's plenty of time to rejig your life. But not right now