Am I too demanding in my expectations of my friend?

missindependent wrote:

I've been friends with this girl (lets call her "Jan") since high school (so we've been friends for quite a while). She considers me to be one of her best friends but to tell you the truth, if I was hanging off a bridge and needed somebody to rescue me, she'd be one of the last few people whom I would call.... (which goes to show how much I really trust her....)

I don't know, there are things that she does on occasions, that really gets to me..... I just feel that she at times does not have her priorities straight, but then maybe I'm being too demanding?

To illustrate my situation, here are a few examples:

One of our best friends from high school was going to leave the country forever (literally - she was going to leave to be with her fiance), so Jan suggested that we all go out for dinner one last time for old times' sake. so I organised dinner and when I told jan about it, she went, "Oh, but I can't ... I'm seeing my boyfriend that night ... " to say the least, I was NOT impressed (basically telling her that it was her choice, but at the end of the day, our friend wasn't going to be in the country by the wednesday, while her boyfriend would still be here.) It peeved me that she actually "had to think about it" and when she finally said that she would come, she cancelled at the last minute saying that "there were no flights to Europe" - she was planning a trip over there - and that she had to go sort it out. (later, we found out that that wasnt the case, and it was just that there wasn't a seat on a particular flight she wanted to be on. besides, it was dinner so all the travel agents were closed anyway ... just thought that that things could have waited till the next morning.)

Or the time when she missed our friend's 21st birthday because she "was going to see a movie" with her boyfriend.

Or at my birthday, I wanted her to help me take photos so I asked her whether she could come about 10 mins earlier so that she would be there when the first pple arrived. then she said something about being able to be there "around 8ish or 9ish or so, and that she didnt really know because she didnt know when she'd be having dinner, and she hadn't organised anything with her boyfriend in terms of transport, and besides, wouldn't most people not arrive till much later?" (strangely enough, i asked one of my other friends, she said that she'd be happy to get there 10 minutes earlier.)

The latest thing is our friend (the one that moved overseas) is getting married. Jan doesn't think she can go because she thinks that she won't have accumulated enough leave without paid (says that she thinks she's about one or two days short). I don't know, but my other friend and I think its quite a lame excuse - I mean, why can't she just take one/two days of pay without leave? I mean, if she really doesn't want to go, why doesn't she just say so? Plus, this is suppose to be one of her best friends as well ....

Or maybe I'm just being too demanding? I've tried talking to her about it, but it seems that she just doesn't see my point of view. I do get along with her and I just dont want things to just simmer and then explode when I'm well and truly not happy.....

Dear missindependent

"but to tell you the truth, if i was hanging off a bridge and needed somebody to rescue me, she'd be one of the last few people whom i would call"

There's three essential features of friendship:

1. There is affection between you
2. There is honesty.
3. There is trust.

Your relationship fails that test (score=0). It is not friendship; if she thinks it is, you have (perhaps accidentally) deceived her.

There are no expectations if there is friendship, as there is no need for them.

By and large, you get out of a friendship much more than you put in - but if you put in zero trust, however much that is multiplied, it remains zero.

You do not own your friends; if you feel the need to try and control their thoughts and actions, that's enough of a hint - Apply The Test.