Am I too demanding in my expectations of my friend?
I've been friends with this girl (lets call her "Jan") since
high school (so we've been friends for quite a while). She considers me
to be one of her best friends but to tell you the truth, if I was hanging
off a bridge and needed somebody to rescue me, she'd be one of the last
few people whom I would call.... (which goes to show how much I really
I don't know, there are things that she does on occasions, that really
gets to me..... I just feel that she at times does not have her priorities
straight, but then maybe I'm being too demanding?
To illustrate my situation, here are a few examples:
One of our best friends from high school was going to leave the country
forever (literally - she was going to leave to be with her fiance), so
Jan suggested that we all go out for dinner one last time for old times'
sake. so I organised dinner and when I told jan about it, she went, "Oh,
but I can't ... I'm seeing my boyfriend that night ... " to say the
least, I was NOT impressed (basically telling her that it was her choice,
but at the end of the day, our friend wasn't going to be in the country
by the wednesday, while her boyfriend would still be here.) It peeved
me that she actually "had to think about it" and when she finally
said that she would come, she cancelled at the last minute saying that
"there were no flights to Europe" - she was planning a trip
over there - and that she had to go sort it out. (later, we found out
that that wasnt the case, and it was just that there wasn't a seat on
a particular flight she wanted to be on. besides, it was dinner so all
the travel agents were closed anyway ... just thought that that things
could have waited till the next morning.)
Or the time when she missed our friend's 21st birthday because she "was
going to see a movie" with her boyfriend.
Or at my birthday, I wanted her to help me take photos so I asked her
whether she could come about 10 mins earlier so that she would be there
when the first pple arrived. then she said something about being able
to be there "around 8ish or 9ish or so, and that she didnt really
know because she didnt know when she'd be having dinner, and she hadn't
organised anything with her boyfriend in terms of transport, and besides,
wouldn't most people not arrive till much later?" (strangely enough,
i asked one of my other friends, she said that she'd be happy to get there
10 minutes earlier.)
The latest thing is our friend (the one that moved overseas) is getting
married. Jan doesn't think she can go because she thinks that she won't
have accumulated enough leave without paid (says that she thinks she's
about one or two days short). I don't know, but my other friend and I
think its quite a lame excuse - I mean, why can't she just take one/two
days of pay without leave? I mean, if she really doesn't want to go, why
doesn't she just say so? Plus, this is suppose to be one of her best friends
as well ....
Or maybe I'm just being too demanding? I've tried talking to her about
it, but it seems that she just doesn't see my point of view. I do get
along with her and I just dont want things to just simmer and then explode
when I'm well and truly not happy.....
"but to tell you the truth, if i was hanging off a bridge and needed
somebody to rescue me, she'd be one of the last few people whom i would
There's three essential features of friendship:
1. There is affection between you
2. There is honesty.
3. There is trust.
Your relationship fails that test (score=0). It is not friendship; if
she thinks it is, you have (perhaps accidentally) deceived her.
There are no expectations if there is friendship, as there is no need
By and large, you get out of a friendship much more than you put in -
but if you put in zero trust, however much that is multiplied, it remains
You do not own your friends; if you feel the need to try and control
their thoughts and actions, that's enough of a hint - Apply The Test.