Her Ex Won't Leave Us Alone

Nigel wrote:

My fiancé has been divorced for about 2 years now, her ex-husband (whom also has obsessive-compulsive problems) has continued to wreaked havoc on our lives ever since she has been separated from him. There is also a child involved, an adorable 2 year old whom which I love dearly and have been in his life since his birth.

Unfortunately it's a shared custody situation, thus the only reason he is tied into our life. I feel horrible for the child because his father uses him for a pawn every chance he gets. He is a disrespectful, stubborn little boy who even at 30 feels the need to pray on the weak to add to his reserve of ego support. On top of all this, obsessive-compulsive problems cause him to frequently obsess about things that are both unrealistic and irrational.

We have been through the legal ringer many times and pushed through court for custody and for the welfare of the child's sake. The current threat is that we have recently learn that we will be expecting our own child which I am ecstatic about, the problem is her ex-husband has recently became aware of this fact and has completely flipped out and is threatening to take her back to court for custody simply because she is pregnant!

In regards to wellbeing of the child, he needs to take into perspective; I spend as much time with his child as he does, I was their when he started crawling, I helped him with his first steps, I worked hard with him on using the potty. I would see harm come to myself before anything were to ever happen to that child. Please do not get me wrong, I would never ever try to replace her Ex-husband as a father, on the other hand, their child will never be made to feel like he is the other child. I have always treated him like I treat my own son.

I am happy to have maintained a certain amount of composure up until this point, mostly because I have never been allowed communication with her ex-husband, whether it be by my fiancés family or by her friends (which is a very good idea). I have tried hard to rid my mind of the thought of him but somehow he has become this unavoidable self-absorbed overgrown child. It is quite obvious he has nobody, no girlfriend, nor has he shown ambition to have his own life and become more than the simple organic matter that he is.

I have been so helpless; it is the worse of feelings. Years ago I wouldn't have thought twice and I would have pummeled him long before now, but that wouldn't solve anything. So I beg of you, please help me I am in dire straits. At this point things couldn't get much worse so I have finally been given permission to contact this worm of a man, I need help on approaching this matter.

Obviously, he needs to know of my role in her life and that I am not going anywhere.

The Basics:

• He needs to understand this is my family, not his.
• He needs to understand that conflicts between him and us are detrimental to their child.
• He needs to know not to verbally assault my fiancé or degrade her in any manner.
• He needs to understand that he has no business in our personal life or the
  life of our child.

Dear Nigel

There's little to be gained by you arguing with him, let alone fighting - and plenty to lose. It is not your fault that he is acting as he is, nor, I guess, your partner's.

But he is the father of her first child, and he has legally enforceable rights.

If you (no relation in law) interfere, you help him to build a case for custody.

Your only real option, right or wrong, is to start keeping a diary of events, with photographs and any other evidence, building to the day that he can be denied access, and ordered (by a court) to stay away.

Sadly, anything else you do will weaken your chances of defeating him.

Remonstrating will make you feel better for five minutes (perhaps) and set you back five years (for sure).