Seperation v Divorce; With Kids
I am writing due to some issues that I have been going through. I am
newly in recovery from Rx's and have tried very hard to work on my program
by attending meetings, etc. I have three children 13, 11 and 3 (the youngest
is ours together).
My children love my husband, but I have a lot of anger towards him and
get frustrated with him a lot, which in turn causes me to look like the
"mean parent". He works nights and I can't wait for him to leave,
and the kids and I do very well. I recently asked to have him move out
while I try to get my life together.
I am completely comfy with him gone, the kids and I do great, they can
see him whenever they would like, I want to be apart without anger, and
try to show the kids that we are still their parents, just not living
together. The problem is that he is just waiting to move back, plays the
good guy so the kids think it's all my fault and I'm not sure how to do
this successfully without the kids hating me.
He had never seen me without alcohol, or meds in my system, and now that
he sees me trying to better myself and actually have feelings, standing
up for myself and being consistant with the kids, he has admitted he doesn't
like all the changes. I feel guilty not loving him like he seems to adore
me, but I've been in a loveless, controlled marriage before, and I am
not afraid to do it alone with just the kids and I.
I just don't want the kids to think that relationships can be so disposable.
Yet when I am with him, or around him, he gets on my nerves, I become
tense, and short. Am I being selfish wanting time to heal with him not
around? For once, I just feel the need to take care of me, so I can be
a better mother. I've taken a lot of verbal assults from family members
over this (they like his income) yet I feel I need to grow and get better
on my own. I hope this is not too long, but I have needed to share this
for a long time, thank you for taking time for me, and I hope this made
It makes perfect sense, and I think few readers will not admire your
strength and courage .
First, Consider the recovery issue. You say you husband had never seen
you without alcohol or meds. That makes your whole relationship up for
grabs. Just as I'd advise folk whose spouse goes on to substances as "a
different person", that they should feel no guilt in dealing with
honestly and firmly, the reverse is true too ... he's suddenly married
to a different person, and unless you feel (and you might) that the marriage
took advantage of your state of being, then you owe him at least consideration.
So, second, examine that relationship. Did it help you get straightened
out - or hinder you. or was it no real part? And how do you feel about
him, really? Because you need to decide which side of the fence you want
to be, and I'd suggest that some of his behaviour reflects the insecurity
If you want to save the relationship, and bearing in mind that you are
the New You, and he's seeing bits of two people, then outside help, through
a counsellor is worth considering. Either way, it needs sorting!
Last, but by no means least, the kids. You feel there's a competition
here between you. That must stop. What have the kids done to deserve being
weapons in your war? It must stop.
You need to look objectively at his relationship with the kids - and
how dependant they may be (for good or ill) on him. And you must be objective.
You are a New Woman, and I don't want to take that away from you - your
story will give strength to other women. But the buzz of freedom won't
last forever; you must think long term, not only for the kids. but especially
for the kids.