Cure for Jealousy... NOT

Lawrence wrote:

You answered a previous email about the cure for inappropriate jealousy as being "TOTAL HONESTY".

Well I just wanted to let you know that even total honesty will not cure it when the person doesn't want it cured.

My partner started becoming jealous and insecure 6 months after we started seeing each other, despite the fact that I have always been 100% honest with her in all areas (sometimes perhaps too honest). I have been handling the last 12 months *exactly* as you suggested, by being completely and totally open and honest about everything, and all it has gotten me is more pain and suffering and the feeling like I have been a complete and total bastard for no reason.

I have given up all my friends, I never do anything without her and the one night a week she spends with her mother is the WORST night of the week because the following day always ends in tears. First I get several phone calls, I get 100 questions about every little thing I do and even when I tell her everything I have done (which usually means watching TV or sitting in front of the computer playing a computer game) she still asks another 10 times "Is that all?". I get phone calls in the middle of the night because she had a nightmare about me cheating on her or hurting her... and I get a phone call in the morning checking to see if I am there.

She wont talk to anyone, she says she is trying but justifies almost everything she does with some poor excuse. If I even so much as make a soft suggestion that her reasons for checking up on me may be undershadowed by an insecurity I get anger.

So "Mr Amazing"... care to suggest how I can be any more honest?

Dear Lawrence

Nope

But, for the record, I don't recall ever suggesting that honesty is a total cure for anything. How can it be?

Honesty is, however, an essential first step - a first step on the road to sorting a problem, or, as in your case, a first step to seeing that you cannot resolve it between you.

You've done all you can; it hasn't been enough. Stop torturing yourself (and lashing out) and accept that.

Then decide if it is worth seeking outside help, or whether you actually want to save the relationship.

To be honest, it doesn't sound as if you like her very much - is the relationship just a duel now? And you don't say how it all started; why would it start from nowhere, six months in?

Get help - or get out. Either would be an honest response to your situation.