Jealous Husband

Joanne wrote:

My husband and I have been married for nearly 10 years. We are 12 years different in age. He is older. He has two sons that are only 3 and 5 years younger than I am.

My husband has always been a jealous person. Once to the point that he was physically abusive. I left and then we went to counseling. For a long time it was better, but now it's getting bad again. He cannot handle it when I talk to his sons at all. Mostly his youngest son. We like the same music and we are both poets. Our relationship is not inappropriate in any way. His son just lent me two books and my husband is having a huge fit over it.

I can't stand him not trusting me. He asks me the same questions over and over again and I am always under the spotlight. I have told him that this is his "son" and it was absolutely rediculous that he even think I would think of his son in any romantic way. I'm going crazy! I hate the vicious circle of jealous he goes through.

What should I do? The counseling helped, but now he insists I "make" him feel better about himself. I tell him all the time I love him, but he wants me to literally tell him almost 100 times a day. I don't think counseling will help now just because he sees this as I don't do enough to help his self esteem. We have 2 young children together and I don't know what to do. Please help.

Dear Joanne

You cannot make him feel better; all you are doing is allowing him to make it your problem ...

It might be useful for you to consider how his first family broke up; is there a pattern here, or is he perhaps feeling guilt over some past or present infidelity? How is the marriage other than this? But, either way ...

It is his problem. Not yours. He needs help, and you need to stop letting him bully you. If he cannot accept that it is his problem, then you should consider leaving him before he loses control again.