To keep a Secret or Not

Ursula wrote:

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly two years and are contemplating marriage. Things couldn't be better. However, things did get off to a rocky start.

My b/f and I engaged in sharing me with two of his friends on two occassions. We were all drunk and high and things got out of hand. We decided this was not for us, as we almost spilt up in the aftermath. It aroused some insecurities in him and he wasn't sure he could trust me. I had alot of shame and disgust for myself. It reminded me of the time I was gang raped several years back. I don't know why I agreed to participate, I suppose because my b/f thought I was cool to be so open minded. He arranged for both events as it was a fantasy of his.

After these events, my b/f told me he slept with another woman, he later recanted and said he was insecure and was lokking for a way out. We discussed it and were able to resolve things. However, I never fully believed him and felt that he may very well have cheated on me. This sat with me in the back of my mind for sometime.

Unfortuneatley, some months later (9months) we had an argument and as luck would have it, his friends showed up drunk and high around 3 o'clock in the morning at our door. My b/f was out of town and they knew this. They pretty much forced themselves in our aptartment. I hoped that they would sober up and leave. This did not happen. I was angry and upset, and I ended up getting drunk and high and things happened. I was disgusted with myself and a mess the next morning. They called me to see if I was okay, they apologized for forcing the incident, however I take my share of responsibilty, it should never have happened. They asked me never to tell, they were sorry and it would never happen again. I assured them it would never happen again, and we decided to never speak of it.

Now that we are contemplating marriage, I feel I must come clean. But I don't know if I am looking to relieve my own guilt or am afraid this might come out at a later time and he will be angry that I didn't tell him and feel betrayed. I have no intentions on this happening again. It happened nine months ago. But I feel like I am deceiving him. I want to do the right thing.

Should I keep this in the past and forget about it and move on? Or should I tell him and risk everything we have? I have never lied to him about anything or kept anything from him. We talk about everything, I have even tried to get him to break up with me on several occassions, I guess out of guilt, but he won't have it. I love him and he loves me. I live with this burden everyday, is this my cross to bear? I can live with this if it means saving him from hurt . I can't see what good it will do to tell him, only my guilt will be relieved. I don't want him to suffer. What should I do?

Dear Ursula

Well, you can wallow in guilt until the cows come home. Much better to do something about it.

What concerns me is that you are so willing to be used, so unwilling to report rape - that's what you are saying - and yet so convinced this will not happen again. It will.

You won't resist other men for your man's sake, you won't even for your own sake. And yet you talk of marriage. You have a major self respect deficit; you need help. Get it. You are so addicted to testing your man to the limit, that you willtest the marriage within months.

Do not get married until you have started to get help. Don't even think about it.