We Get On Each Others Nerves

Daphne wrote:

I am in a relationship with a guy (let's call him Bill). Bill is 20, and I am 21.

Bill is a wonderful person. Emotive, kind, caring, considerate (most of the time), loving etc. He is a full time student at university and has a casual job. I am employed full time and basically support both of us on my salary.

Bill and I met through the last company I was working for when he came to my city for work purposes. We developed a relationship and I then moved to his city so we could be together.

We fight about stupid things... cleanliness, feeding the goldfish and other equally important topics. This affects our relationship to the point where I am continually backing out of the arguments just to keep the peace, even if I'm sure I'm right. (Backing out of an argument is VERY out of character for me.)

There are other issues, like I've been here for nearly a year an a half and haven't made one friend. All I've done is hang out with HIS friends and HIS family, because if I don't, he is hurt by it and wonders why I don't want to spend time with him. He complains if I decide to stay home instead of hanging out with his (geeky - they quote star trek and red dwarf constantly) family.

Also, he just wants to live in this city for the rest of his life, whereas I am the kind of person who wants to keep moving- experiencing different cities and cultures etc. He would like a family- don't want children unless they are fostered.

Bill's not a bad person, and neither am I, but I just don't know if we belong together.

You always hear people saying that love is more important than anything and that you have to work on your differences and you have to expect bad times. But how many bad times? And how incompatable can we be before it gets ridicuous?

Breaking up would be a terrible emotional strain on both of us- I have no one else to turn to in this city and Bill is an over-emotional person (almost child-like in his emotions).

What I'd really like to ask you, Anon, is this: At what point do I stop trying and just accept that we want two very different things out of life?

I thank you most sincerely in advance for your help!

Dear Daphne

It sounds to me like a life sentance with hard labour, but you chose him!

The point is that he will not change. If he sees that he has a problem, and seeks help with his need to control, then he could change. But from what you say, he sees any problem as yours, in failing to comply with his wishes.

You don't say how far you have gone in trying to discuss the real issues with him; that's certainly worth a try; but do it soon. men do tend to mature later than women, and this behaviour may reflect an emotional insecurity born out of immaturity. But the longer it goes on, the more fixed the patterns will become.

If talking doesn't work, then you need to get some distance, some personal space to have a life of your own.

Imagine another 50 years of petty control!