My Story Is Definitely Different

Grace wrote:

It has been over a year since my friendship with a gay man has ended.

We met about five years ago and our friendship eventually evolved into being "Best Friends". We did everything together ... everything but have sex.

We'd go primitive camping at least twice a year, exercise at the gym, jog at the park, and take mini vacations.

He'd stay with me on weekends from Friday night until Sunday. We'd party hard and sleep in late. He enjoyed sleeping over and enjoyed that I'd cuddle and spoon with him. We had become very close and mentally intimate. We were essentially connected at the hip.

To make a very long story short...

Our friendship ended very harshly the night we had decided to continue partying and follow my friend to his house.

It was around 2:30AM when we all drove away from the club.

I arrived at my friends house and became very worried and presumed that my best friend had gotten lost following us or maybe took a wrong turn in the neighborhood. After all we had been drinking and were tired from dancing. One hour later, he called my cell phone. He told me that he was trapped because he had gone to his buddy's house instead and his buddy had fallen asleep. I asked him where he was and I offered to go and get him. He responded, "I'll call you back ... no ... let me see if I can wake him up ... I'll call you back"

I waited for three hours! and never got a call. So, I called his friend's cell and asked for him. His friend told me: "He's with some boy, he went to this boy's house and then went to go and pick up his car!"

Needless to say, I was angry because I really was worried and I wanted to spend time with him that evening.

Finally I drove to his house and asked him straight out: "Where were you...Why didn't you call me back? I waited three hours for you to call me back!"

His response was a lie. I told him that I knew he was lying and that he was a liar and a whore. We didn't speak for six months until one Saturday night we ran in to each other. He apologized telling me that he was sorry for hurting me, that he loved me, and missed me.

The next day I called him and left him a message suggesting that it would be nice to have coffee and clear the air...ya' know.. have closure

Anyway, we had arranged for a time and date to meet. He told me that I'd have to pick him up from work because he had sold his car. I told him to just give me a call when he was off and I'd be happy to pick him up.

He never called ... and I waited for an hour and a half again.

The following day I called his cell phone and left the following message:
"I just thought a coffee rendezvous would be fair to both of us. So, don't worry about yesterday, whether you forgot or picked up some trick or something really doesn't matter to me anymore! It's expected. It was deja vu all over again. Do yourself a favor, please don't call me, approach me or ever look me up in the future! Good Luck and Good Bye!"

Dearest Anon, it has been over a year since I left him that message and I really feel terrible. I miss him immensely and I think about him almost every day! I feel like I'm the one who should apologize for being so cruel.I've thought about writing him a letter but I don't know where he lives and I don't think that it would be a good idea to send a letter to his work.

I'm very sad because I know that I'm the one who instructed him to never contact me again. I believe that he may not want me to ever contact him again or maybe he feels the same way I did.

I would greatly appreciate your opinion and advise ... what should I do?

Dear Grace

First, you need to look to your motives. I must say that I read guilt and regret in your words ... but I cannot find any real concern for his feelings. If it's simply closure that you seek, then leave him alone; you've hurt him enough - from what you've said, all he ever did is tell one tiny lie in the face of aggressive cross examination (And who has never done that?). Everything else seems to have followed from your self-admittedly unreasonable behaviour.

Second, if the friendship was as pure as you claim, how dare you be jealous of his sex life? Do examine your sexual feelings. It may be that your friendship was deep enough to arouse ownership feelings you never envisioned in yourself and a man. Unfortunate ... but not his fault.

Third, the friendship has gone. Live with it. You might make peace, and if you want to for his sake, go for it ... but you won't reclaim the magic. So learn and live with it, and move on. Guilt rarely helps anyone.