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Wanting Closure ... but how?

Therese wrote:

I was involved in an affair approximately 10 years ago. At the time I was in the process of a divorce. Since then my lover and I moved on to different relationships and both have remarried. Recently, I encountered problems in my new marriage (3 years)and felt very vulnerable since my husband was very ill and we were physically separated for a period of 6 months.

I re-connected with my lover through e-mail and phone contact. He said meaningful words to me. We never met physically, but started to verbalize our needs and desires. It quickly came to a screeching halt after I sent a romantic card to him and he didn't respond. Since then, I have avoided any messages he has sent. He has sent two messages in a period of 3 months. Just checking in to see where I am or what I am doing. During that time, I struggled with wanting to see him and not. I decided I didn't want the chaos in my life again through having an affair. I realized how much it would hurt those who are in our lives. I want a peaceful life not a messy one. So, I have ignored those e-mail letters just as he ignored my romantic card.

I believe that I don't want to communicate with him because

1. I feel that it would just lead to more pain.

2. I am hoping he would just catch the drift and go away.

3. I am wondering why he continues to contact me, acting as if he did nothing wrong. I have proof that he opened the card via computer.

What should I do? And how should I perceive his little game?

Dear Therese

His little game?

By your own admission, you re-opened the relationship, with a view to an affair. Now - because you have changed your mind - you want closure; you want to blame him for your weakness, and you seem to think that two messages in two months is stalking.

Believe me, it isn't.

Has it occurred to you that you have reawakened long forgotten feelings, only to drop him at whim.

Try a little honesty; you may regain the self respect you seem determined to throw away.

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