Husband has lost interest ..

Teri wrote:

I am 21 and my husband is 24. We have been married for almost two years and together for four.

We had a daughter who died shortly after birth due to an uknown (at the time) condition I have, two months after we were married.

Up until we had our daughter, my husband and I had sex everyday and he did not have much porn or anything around. Since our daughter died, he acts like he doesn't want much to do with me in the bed room and makes up excuses why, like he is tired or doesn't want to take a shower, or the classic headache.

Yet he spends hours on the computer while I am at work looking at porn sites.

Am I wrong for thinking this way or could he possibly have a problem. Our sex life has been pretty awful lately. Or could he be afraid of the pregnancy thing? Please help!!!

Thanx

Dear Teri

You are both very young to have lost a baby; it must have been hard - and probably still is hard - for both of you.

Events like that can cause people to completely rethink their lives; things look different. The effects can be both conscious and subconscious or unconscious.

You might well be right about your husbands response; he may fear another pregnancy, he may simply be depressed at some level, and not feel able to reume 'family normality'.

Yes; he may need help. You certainly need to discuss this, and you don't say how hard you've tried to do that.

In fact, you don't say much about yourself and your reaction to a tragic event. It may be that you have moved on without the anguish of your husband; there's no need for guilt about that - we' all react in different ways.

But have you considered that your husband's behaviour may be a reaction to your behaviour?

Have you changed in any emotional or even physical way since your daughter's death? Or have you suppressed your feelings, your very normality frightening your husband?

Either way - and there's no blame here, believe me, you both need help to move on. Good Luck.