Husband has changed ...

Melissa wrote:

I am so confused lately. I have been married for almost 7 years now. We have a 6 year old daughter. Unfortunately we started our marriage because of pregnancy.

I love him very much. But he's changed over the years. When I first met him we were only 19, he was fun, laid back, and had a great personality. Now over the years he has changed into a man I can hardly stand at times.

I have good days, then I have days were I want to leave him. I'm starting to look at other men in a different way. I have never cheated on him, but I am a little too flirty. When we go out or to a party it seems he goes one way and I go the other. I try to weigh out the good things and bad, but I am so confused. I feel I'm staying with him for the wrong reasons, which I know isn't fair to him ... because I honestly believe he loves me. Can you help?

Dear Melissa,

First, be careful of blaming your daughter, either for the marriage, or for being a wrong reason to stay together: it's not her fault, and she will have to live with whatever happens between you and your husband. She, in fact, will be the one damaged, if anyone is.

You say you love your husband, you say he loves you. And yet the relationship is falling apart. You tell me he has changed over the years ... and I'm sure he has. But you've probably changed too. And the problem is that in life, as well as at parties, "he goes one way and you go the other".

Just for a minute, take the child out of the discussion, because doing something bad - whether it's staying together when you shouldn't, or splitting up too soon - is not really for her, is it?

The real issue is do you and your husband want to make a go of it, or not? And that really needs you both to sit down and discuss it; the feeling I'm getting is there's a lot unsaid in your relationship.

You may find it useful to see a counsellor on your own, to help you decide what you want, before having that discussion with him.

I am absolutely sure that you can sort out these problems - which are only human - if you both really love each other. But you need to be sure of that before you can move on. And you both need to be brave as well as honest; remember, it is the child who is falling through the hole in your marriage.