I've lost a friend
Tina wrote:
I'm probably not going to like the answer you give me but maybe, just
maybe you'll understand and give me some good advise.
My best friend of 10 years no longer wants my friendship because of all
the fights we had about stupid things and the drugs I used to do. We used
to be together almost everyday.when we first met she would be so upset
when I didn't call and she would always brag to her mom what a great person
I was and that she was lucky to have met me. She was always there for
me financially and I was always there for her emotionally. But everytime
she has a boyfriend she don't care if I'm around but when it comes to
me having a boyfriend or other friends she finds something not to like
about them and starts a fight with me.
Besides all the drama that comes along with some friendships I really
miss her and I have no one else but my new male friend that she used to
date. She has no idea I'm living with him, but we're just friends. I haven't
seen or talked to her in 9 months since the day she kicked me out of our
house with just the clothes on my back, I have tried to get her to have
lunch with me so that we can work things out. She said yes to lunch two
weeks ago but never showed up and has not returned my calls.
Please what can I do to get her to be my best friend again?
Dear Tina
We all like to think that a friendship is 'just one of those things that
happens' - but it isn't.
On one level, it's an agreement between two people - unspoken, but a
trade - you each accept eachothers' weaknesses and faults, because you
gain from the agreement. You expressed this very honestly: "She was
always there for me financially and I was always there for her emotionally".
But at some subconscious level we regularly assess that balance - Maybe
you began to be a drain finacially, and not enough support emotionally.
There are invisible lines, once crossed, a friend becomes a nuisance.
On another level, a friendship is simply about liking one another, enjoying
shared time. With your past habit, and other problems, maybe she no longer
finds you fun to be with. You say "she kicked me out of our house
with just the clothes on my back" - and don't even protest that it
was unfair, so I'm guessing you upset her fairly seriously?
And if you truly believe she "finds something not to like"
about your boyfriends, are you sure you want her as a friend?
A third level of friendship is trust; again, it's unspoken, but the deal
is that you don't let one another down. Once broken, trust can rarely
be rebuilt, and never easily.
You may be able to repair and rebuild; but you'll have to start by being
very honest, both with yourself, and with her. You'll have to be careful
not to use her like a cash machine, and you'll need to question why you
are currently deceiving her about her ex boyfriend, which seems an odd
thing to do - we all know he's not her property, but if she has any feelings
for him, I can't see that further deceipt is likely to make her want to
be your friend.
Maybe that's why she never showed?
Time for some tough action - try to see yourself as she sees you. Would
you pick that person for a best friend?
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