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I've lost a friend

Tina wrote:

I'm probably not going to like the answer you give me but maybe, just maybe you'll understand and give me some good advise.

My best friend of 10 years no longer wants my friendship because of all the fights we had about stupid things and the drugs I used to do. We used to be together almost everyday.when we first met she would be so upset when I didn't call and she would always brag to her mom what a great person I was and that she was lucky to have met me. She was always there for me financially and I was always there for her emotionally. But everytime she has a boyfriend she don't care if I'm around but when it comes to me having a boyfriend or other friends she finds something not to like about them and starts a fight with me.

Besides all the drama that comes along with some friendships I really miss her and I have no one else but my new male friend that she used to date. She has no idea I'm living with him, but we're just friends. I haven't seen or talked to her in 9 months since the day she kicked me out of our house with just the clothes on my back, I have tried to get her to have lunch with me so that we can work things out. She said yes to lunch two weeks ago but never showed up and has not returned my calls.

Please what can I do to get her to be my best friend again?

Dear Tina

We all like to think that a friendship is 'just one of those things that happens' - but it isn't.

On one level, it's an agreement between two people - unspoken, but a trade - you each accept eachothers' weaknesses and faults, because you gain from the agreement. You expressed this very honestly: "She was always there for me financially and I was always there for her emotionally". But at some subconscious level we regularly assess that balance - Maybe you began to be a drain finacially, and not enough support emotionally. There are invisible lines, once crossed, a friend becomes a nuisance.

On another level, a friendship is simply about liking one another, enjoying shared time. With your past habit, and other problems, maybe she no longer finds you fun to be with. You say "she kicked me out of our house with just the clothes on my back" - and don't even protest that it was unfair, so I'm guessing you upset her fairly seriously?

And if you truly believe she "finds something not to like" about your boyfriends, are you sure you want her as a friend?

A third level of friendship is trust; again, it's unspoken, but the deal is that you don't let one another down. Once broken, trust can rarely be rebuilt, and never easily.

You may be able to repair and rebuild; but you'll have to start by being very honest, both with yourself, and with her. You'll have to be careful not to use her like a cash machine, and you'll need to question why you are currently deceiving her about her ex boyfriend, which seems an odd thing to do - we all know he's not her property, but if she has any feelings for him, I can't see that further deceipt is likely to make her want to be your friend.

Maybe that's why she never showed?

Time for some tough action - try to see yourself as she sees you. Would you pick that person for a best friend?

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