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Abusive husband?

Darcy wrote:

This is a long story and very complicated. I have been remarried for three years to a man I have known for 15years. I am 29, and have a 5year old from my previous marriage. No kids from his first marriage.

Together we have a 5month old. My husband's father is a controlling man, aggresive, intimidating and treated his three sons poorly while they were growing up. There were also issues of verbal and physical abuse within that marriage that have been hidden to outsiders fairly well.

When my husband and I were dating, he put his best foot forward and I did not see the angry side of him. I know I did not give it enough time because I never would have married him. Verbal abuse started early in the marriage with never ending apologies and crying.

I let it slide and it cont. I forced him into counseling. He would go for a few sessions then stop because he 'was better'.

Five weeks after my baby was born I was hit for the first time. My husband is well-built, over 6 feet. I am 5'7". It hurt. Then three weeks after that he hit me again.

He gets into rages when he cannot compromise. The last time he hit me he was upset that I had asked him to help with the baby. I gave him a sigh of like please just help and he "assumed" I was mad. His assumptions and interpretations get very misconstrued.

Anyway, I called his parents and they came over and it was out in the open that this abuse was going on. We got into counseling and he was to continue the counseling and went to two sessions. He claimed he was better and there hasn't been a serious fight since.

But he is the master of control, dirty looks, .... I need to ask my question. My five year old is attached to him. When he is 'healthy', he is a wonderful husband and father. He can love you madly one minute and the next he needs space and anything you say or do close to him is annoying. I have decided in my mind that if he hits me one more time I am going to end this marriage. It hurt so severely bad and could easily killed me.

I fear for my children when I don't know what type of mood he is in. I have to keep myself constantly built up on my own to keep my self esteem intact. I am ok there. I am strong. Anyway, could you be my magic ball and tell me...do I stay until my children are grown and live on this rollercoaster of being loved one minute and hated the next, or do I go through a second divorce, put my daughter through it - she's five, the babe wont realize right now.

You know what..I can't do it. He has used his charm on her too and she fell for it. I don't know why I am writing. I just answered my own question and I already knew the answer. I know there are other women in my shoes out there that dream of a day when they can walk out, when their work is done raising wonderful children, and politely, or with fire from hell, gently say, 'no more' and go on and live their life.

I am a registered nurse with a BSN. From a wealthy family. My husband is a professional in this community. People would be shocked because we look like the perfect couple. He has two sides. And the second side of him is evil.

Thank you for listening. I would appreciate a reply just so I know someone has heard me. oh and please do not email me at my address I had to provide. I am writing in total secrecy.

Dear Darcy

There may be a future for you with your husband - but first, look at the here and now.

You are terrified of him, and you fear for your children. There is no way you can conceal that from your children for ten years. And you would never forgive yourself if you let the children get hurt.

Your daughter's love for him may not survive the first fist.

In situations like this, you must think of the children first - you've suggested that you may leave next time he hits you; I'd say why wait?

Unlike many mums in this situation, you have somewhere to go, and I dare say, good support.

Do it. Now. And if he touches you, prosecute.

Once he's come to terms with you not being there until he sorts himself out, then he may do just that. But he may not.

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