My friend made me cancel my plans
I am in an unfortunate dilemma with my "best friend"
of 29 years. We met on the first day of first grade, when she first moved
here from Australia.
Over our school years, we were each other's only friend,
for we were both teased and taunted a lot by our classmates. It turned
out in 9th grade she has dyslexia, so her parents sent her to a private
school that specializes in that disorder. We have remained friends over
the years by phone and weekend visits, however, things have turned weird
over the last 10 years.
Several years ago, when I was living at home, she only
wanted to visit when it was convenient for her to visit her doctor (her
insurance office and doctor's office at the time was near my home and
she was going to school in Pennsylvania- 4 hours away). So she gave me
and my Mom a list of weekends she could come and visit, and she would
have to leave for her checkups at that time. My mother refused her to
She invited me to Australia, and we went on a 3 week long
trip. It was going OK; before I left, I asked my sister if I could invite
her to my sister's wedding, if there was room (she has been a family friend
for years). My sister agreed, and friend's brother was reciprocating an
invitation for me to attend his wedding several weeks later. She apparentley
knew before the trip that her brother's guest list was limited, and there
was no room for me. She waited until I had told all of her relatives in
Australia that I was going; for two weeks straight, and how happy I was;
that on the last day of our trip, in front of everyone, that I was not
allowed to go.
I was so devastated that she did not tell me, that I
lost my balance and almost fell over. I thought that she could have told
me in private before seeing her relatives, but it didn't happen. Over
the years, I have forgiven her.
The most recent of the weird events happened two weeks
ago. I took an extra day off of work so I could visit on Memorial day
weekend. She and I had made plans for me to come down and visit several
sights in the area. She had twisted her knee several weeks (2) before,
and it was taking time to heal. I wanted to go down any way to visit,
since I haven't seen her in a year. I was called on the Monday before
I was to leave, and I wasn't given any opportunity to discuss it, but
she asked me to cancel my plans because she couldn't walk long distances.
Of course, I understood, as I had a painful ingrown toenail too and couldn't
walk a lot either. But I was hurt none the less (and no, I didn't tell
her about the toenail or how it wouldn't matter if we sat around doing
anything, I just wanted to visit).
I have been having family issues, for my great aunt is
recovering from pancreating cancer surgery. I am 2nd health care proxy,
and my aunt is now at home, under NO doctor's care,no treatment, and is
refusing any home help. She basically wants to die. Needless to say, I
have no control over the situation, but I wanted time away from it. One
week went by, and my friend went with her brother who was visiting to
a bagpipe festival. She won tickets to a renaissance fair near her home,
and she decided to call all excited; and left a message on my machine
to invite me down for 4th of July instead.
#1, I had made plans with another friend to go to Rhode
Island that weekend,
#2, I was quite upset because I had to visit my great aunt the day she
called and left the message, and
# 3, I am on a limited budget, and cannot afford to go to too many places.
When I got home from the visit with my Aunt it was 8:15
pm. My girlfriend called at 8:30 and said " HA- you didn't call me
back!" I said " I just got home" and with no other words,
I got so angry, I hung up on her. She instantly tried to call back, and
kept trying for 1/2 an hour. I just let the machine get the phone, I was
so livid. I couldn't take the phone ringing any more, so I finally talked
to her. She had no idea that I had gotten angry. She was crying on the
phone to me, saying she was only teasing and that she in the 29 years
we have known each other she would never do anything to hurt me. I explained
in the most rational tone I could muster that my aunt was being stubborn,
and I was upset over that, I had just gotten home, and that there was
no way I was free that weekend. I also told her that she should not have
kept calling like she did, that her doing that really annoyed me. The
last words I said were that I was sorry. Now, it has been two weeks since
that incident, but I still feel bad that I hurt her.
I at times don't understand why, but I have no mean bones
in my body, until someone does something to hurt me. I just feel like
there is no more friendship in our friendship, and I just feel like we
need to go our separate ways for a while. If it makes a difference, she
lives at home with her parents. I just don't know what to do, for when
she called before, she never even expressed any concern or worry over
me and my aunt issues.
In fact, all she really does is talk about her dog and
the job and what her parents are doing; and she hardly asks how I am.
I think I have been mean enough to her; and I probably should try and
explain it further. I just feel she wouldn't want to hear it. And I am
still really angry. Do you feel that my anger is justified? Yes, I know
that I do harbor a few grudges. That I acknowledge. But I just don't think
I should keep this one going, for I felt like I have been slapped in the
face one too many times and can't take any more pain. I just need some
help. Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.
You really are seething with resentment, and have chosen to play the
martyr on an Oscar winning level.
From what you've said, your friend is - and always has been - a little
self centered. If that's so offensive, why keep the relationship going
for so long after it had died a natural death? Why keep being hurt, feeling
resentful, and going back for more?
Above all, why look for pain by expecting her to read your mind, and
be senstive to problems she knows nothing of?
Failing to pick up the phone and blaming her for your bad manners is
a real corker. friendship works in two directions. She sounds a little
thoughtless; you sound fairly mean minded.
If you don't like her, move on - don't be spiteful to her.