Eight years as a mattress

Laura wrote:

Okay, I've got one for you! I have been friends with a guy for eight years. Well, more than friends actually. We actually dated for about two months initially. It was at that time, eight years ago, that he knew I would never be the woman for him.

Through the years though we have remained friends. We have had great times and awful times. I have always listened to him tell me that he can't count on anyone and that he doesn't need anyone. This disturbed me because I don't agree.

So, through the years I accepted a lot of crap from him (in the way he treated me) to show him that someone who is your friend is not going to simply walk away because you are not perfect. From his point of view he said this is weak. I made a conscious decision, so I don't see that it was weak. I was trying to be a good friend.

Now, the other issue is that we have been friends with benefits. It was great because from my point of view there were no strings and we were still friends. I understood that he saw it the same way. Well, over time he ended up sleeping with me while he was dating someone else. He did this to at least four different occasions.

So, now he wants to change and not do this to the women he dates. In making this change he has decided he can't have me in his life if he wants a "healthy" relationship. I said it was fine if we didn't have sex. I am willing to respect his relationship since his friendship is what matters to me.

He says even that's not possible because he doesn't want his girlfriend to ever question him about me. I said but, wouldn't it be more satisfying if she asked and he could look her in the face and say that while I am in his life, there is NOTHING going on sexually? He said no.

The next thing I found out was that he was dating a girl long distance for most of last year. She had previously been a friend of mine. He didn't tell me that they had a "thing" for over a year. He admitted part of the reason was because he didn't want to lose me (i.e his sex partner that was not long distance).

Once he told me about them we stopped having sex. Which was more his choice than mine. Well, until Christmas that girl was supposed to move here and live with him. Then he nixed that over the holidays because he had a new long distance girlfriend.

He also told me recently that he has sex with another female friend last fall, while he was dating the first long distance girl. So, why is he nixing me from his life, when apparently he can cheat on his girlfriends with women other than me?

I really shouldn't want this man in my life, but I just can't seem to get over how little my friendship has mattered considering how much I have done for him through the years. I feel like I deserve better from him as I wasn't like everyone else and just walked away.

Oh, and which of us do you think is crazier??

Dear Laura

You, I'm afraid.

He's a selfish louse; he's been happy to use your body and bend your mind for eight years; who knows why he wants to stop ... I guess because he's working his way through your address book, and doesn't want too many complications.

But you - You've given away eight years of your life. You've successfully fooled yourself into this 'friendship thing' where really, you did want more.

Yes you did - else you'd be pleased this dirty episode was over.

By now, you should be desperate to drop this scum, who has used you as a mattress for eight of your prime years, not trying to second guess his lazy selfish mind (what's there to secoind guess? pick the most selfish option, that's where he'll be).

Get a life; move on.