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Trying to be friends again

Nadine wrote:

A few monthes ago my boyfriend and I broke up. We broke up because of wanting different things out of our romantic relationship.

We had a long term casual dating relationship, which I had wanted to make exclusive and he did not. So we split.

We still care about each other, and have tried to remain friends. I say "tried," because we fight constantly, mostly because I get very angry with him. I feel very oversensitive to everything he says, and I know that sometimes I'm just being ridiculous, selfish, and childish.

But I get so angry I just feel like I can't stop myself.

I feel like we need distance for a while. However, we share the same group of friends. So my choice is often to see him (in a group situation) or stay home alone. I've tried staying home alone alot, but I get very lonely and upset and end up calling him up and starting a fight.

I don't want to divide our friends or anything like that, but I do end up wishing I could hang out with them without him there.

I need advice on how to cope with all this, particularly being angry and oversensitive. I want us to be friends. But I need help dealing with all my anger and sadness.

Dear Nadine

You are trying very hard to be honest and reasonable, and that takes courage. Many people in your position would be throwing blame and denial in all directions.

However, the undercurrent of your note denies some of your story.

You say you are trying to be friends. Really? I'm afraid it sounds to me as if you want him back, badly.

You say you don't want to divide your friends, but you seem happy to be a an embarassment on a regular basis.

If this carries on, has it not occurred that they might choose to hang out without you there? Being reasonable and logical is a brave first step, but it is not enough. You need to exercise a little self control. No-one should ever be aware that you still worship him. Least of all him.

Few men are worth losing your friends over, and no man is worth losing your self respect over.

Walk tall, walk away. You'll live, I am certain.

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