I didn't want to lose him

Karen wrote:

I was in a nine month relationship with my boyfriend. The longest relationship I ever had. What attracted me to him in the first place was his personality, we really got along well and clicked. My feelings began to grow, especially so when I found out he had feelings for me. So when he asked me out, I said yes.

We were very happy for about 8½ months, we never had any really bad fights, and everything was going wonderful. I fell in love with him and I was pretty sure he was in love with me.

Then almost suddenly, he began to spend a lot of his time with his friends, began smoking, and went to raves a lot. We got into a argument about this, and how he doesn't call me when he says he will. It wasn't big or anything, but he began to tell me he wasn't sure where things were going. I began to cry because I didn't want to lose him.

The night after we had those arguments, I get the "this isn't working speech" and my heart was broken.

This was three months ago, I loved him and I always will in some way, but now I can accept the fact that we probably will never be again. He told me he wanted to remain friends and told he he remained friends with all of this other exs.

But, he doesn't make any effort to be friends with me. I don't
know what to do. I miss the friend I had, and I don't want him totally gone from my life.

Should I give it time? What would you suggest that I do to
remain friends with my ex. Please answer this!!

Dear Karen

Does it occur to you that you are being a little unreasonable?

You say you've accepted the split - but your expectations of him suggest that you haven't; you complain that he's changed - but you've gone from a friend to a whinger - a whinger who wants to turn back the clock and thinks she owns her ex.

I know that's hard - but it's a tough old world; things won't go how you want, just because you want it. Sorry.

Once you've moved on - really moved on - then you can call him, once, and say "I'm not going to keep bothering you, I just want you to know that I'm still you're friend. Good Luck"

Then he'll either be your friend - or he won't. His choice.

He can't be your friend now, because he knows you have not stopped wanting him. He knows that any contact will give you new, unrealistic expectations. Most guys want badly to be friends with their exs; they need it to reassure themselves that they're not all bad - and apparently this guy is one like that. So achieve closure - end this chapter so that the next can begin.