Things Looking Pretty Awful

Simon wrote:

I've been out of work since June and have had very little activity on the search this summer.

I managed to quit a 20 year smoking habit in June while on vacation, which has been a real blessing. Lately, I seem to be falling into some bad habits.

Drinking alone while wife is working at night, frequenting some internet porno sites and I've even had a conflict with a neighbor who I had considered a good friend.

My wife and I are in the process of trying to adopt after four years of infertility highs and lows and I guess I'm starting to feel that everything just sucks!!!!

I know if I was working things wouldn't seem so black but I can't seem to get and hold a positive attitude about anything. Any advice?

Dear Simon

I dunno - in your circumstances, I reckon you have got a fair bit to be concerned about ... but that doesn't make it the end of the world.

For a start, giving up smoking is a major achievement, and you deserve a medal - but, you don't see the benefit of that for six months (And yes, I've been there!).

Second, some of the problems can be sorted. The row with the neighbour was probably due to giving up smoking (I upset more than one!!). And even if it wasn't that, say it was. Swallow hard, go round, look him straight in the eye and say "Sorry" - "Sorry I was wrong, sorry I upset you, sorry I put our friendship on the line ... " the lot. If he's any kind of friend, he'll accept, and then you will have exchanged an enemy for an ally.

Third, think about the other problems, and discuss them with your wife - again, remind her that you are not at your best right now because of the smoking.

The point is, after all that infertility stuff, there has been a huge load on the relationship - and there is still, if you're both human. It's a boring old cliché, but you can't leave the past behind until you've faced it.And the future needs your full attention.

Finally, I cannot help on the job sarch, but I'd advise take ANY job, and work up from there. Some men can cope with not working, some can't.

I suspect you have too much self respect to cope, which covers the booze and boredom.

Good Luck!