Says she's scared of sex
Me and my girl friend have been together for 13 months now, and
sex has always been on the mind for both of us. However, for the last
months she has been telling me she wants to do it next time we meet. But
every time the time comes, she is too scared or upset. I do not really
have a problem with this as I can wait a eternity for her and when she
is scared or upset I hug and hold her till she is happy.
I know that in the past, she has had really awful men who have just used
her for sex and then left, so this has left her very scared. She also
have one boy friend that would beat her up in till she did sexual favours
She told me that the only way she would want to do things with me is
she was drunk at the time, I instantly backed away and told her "no,
don't want to be like all the other men" as they all got her drunk.
told me she's asking me to get her drunk so it wouldn't be the same. It's
left me puzzled and confused. She also told me that the longer it takes
to have sex the more scared she gets. She tells me that if she had a good
experience with a man, then she would be happier and less worried when
it comes to sex, but I don't want to get her drunk to make this happen,
and what happens if she doesn't remember?
She told me that I would have to get her drunk all the time, but I wont
do that as I feel it is wrong. She is also Bi-sexual, and we have a very
open relationship, she can do anything she wants with who ever she wants
(male or female), and she has told me that if I was female she would have
no problem, its just her fear of men that's causing the problem. Often
she has told me that I am the "greatest man" she has ever met,
as I am unlike all the other men she has been with, so she isn't afraid
of me, its more a fear of the memories that she has had. And that part
of my body that all men have, she wont ever touch me their so it must
She wont let me go down on her as she is afraid that I will put my "man
hood" into her, even though I promise her I wont, she still wont
allow that. I am always doing things for her and 99% of the time we do
things together it is me touching her, she doesn't have a problem with
me touching her over clothes any where. Its just when clothes start coming
off she gets scared. I have tried getting her very aroused to see if she
is more willing, but it makes very little difference.
So I feel at a dead end, what do I do? It will be my first time with
and I am a little worried as to what way to go about it my self. I love
very much and will do anything to make her happy, this is the main reason
for this to help make her happy and her "want to" have sex,
rather than asking me to just get my own pleasure from her, which is wrong
as she wont get anything from it.
Any help would be much appreciated
I'll be honest, this is such a tangled web, that I really cannot offer
any one way through it.
What I suggest you do is try to work out what the problems are, and then
think again about where to go next. Some of the possibilities are not
pleasant, so be prepared.
- Is this your problem? have you become so obsessed with her that she's
scared of deeper involvement? You sound a bit like a St Bernard puppy,
and some people just don't want to marry one of them, nice though they
- Is she being honest with you? Her story may not be the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but ... what is going on?
- Is she being honest with you? Her story may be true - but is her past
why she won't play, or is it something else ... maybe with her lesbian
interests, she just doesn't want to get involved?
- Does she believe she has a sexually transmitted disease, and is scared
of infecting you? Have you discussed safe sex?
- Is she a virgin, with all the legitimate fears that might carry -
especially after all those excuses.
- Has she been so hurt that she really needs psychiatric help, and you
are way out of your depth?
- Is she fearful that she'll disappoint you? After a six month build-up,
she might not want one quick thrill then nothing.
- Is she totally dependant on you as a friend, and daren't risk changing
- How old is she? And you?
- Just how much are you in the real world?
Whatever is going on, it has six months of stress attached; that's an
unaturally long period of time.
You claim it's an open relationship; if that's really true, then isn't
it time you admitted you need a sexual relationship - and get one?