Problems on how to deal with In Laws

Toni wrote:

All my life I have had problems on how to deal with people. I don't know if you learn these skills (probably) or are taught them.

Someone will take what I say the wrong way and come at me with the same thing. My feelings aren't hurt by what they said but why they said it. I know it doesn't sound like much when I write this but it's been a source of depression for me.

It really is my inlaws who do this constantly. I think it's really petty and immature.I feel very frightened of them. To me, they are relentless. What should I do?

My husband just shuts out my cries.Please help me!

Dear Toni

You are not alone; everyone has problems with people, but some learn the tricks faster - and some get stuck with the professional destroyers!

Long life problems like these don't have quick easy answers (but you knew that). So break the problem down into manageable bits.

First, and vital, is that you don't row with your husband about it. It makes you the victim, it makes you look weak, it lets them know they're getting to you - and you are forcing your husband into an impossible position: why should he choose? He loves you, he loves his folks. Thant's as it should be. Your problem is with the folks!

Second, be honest with yourself, you don't like your inlaws, nd they don't like you. Not unusual. But you need to ask why, and see if you should do anything about it. There's no law says you have to like eachother, but life will be easier if you do.

And if it looks impossible, think how you can manage the situation; do you need to be there when they call? Do you need to go with your husband when he visits them: Do you need to do things together?

Be honest with your husband. Don't worry about blame, it really does not matter who started it. But Make it clear that living a pretence is no help to anyone.

Finally, remember that they are going through the same fears and feelings as you ... so if you can, be honest with them too.