Ashamed of Lesbian Love

Dana wrote:

Hi... this letter is really hard to write because it's something I've been kind of hiding from for a while now. I was looking through advice
colums and you seemed to fit what I needed.

Anyhow... Since I was about 7 I've had doubts about my sexuality.. I knew I liked guys .. but the question was .. did I like girls too?

I fought it for years and thought, "no this can't happen to me, I'm a Christian girl and I'm not like that.. or am I?

Then came ... my BEST friend... we hung out all the time and still do. there were times that I looked at her and for the wildest unknown reasons ... I wanted to kiss her.

She had never had a boyfirend and I never really found that odd cuz she was so shy all the time. I'm not for sure when it happened .. but one day she and I both revealed that we thought me might be bisexual.

I'm not for sure who came out first, but we did .. we never did anything about it until about a few months late r.. when I thought I was having feelings for HER.

One day I just kinda decided I was .. and she knew for definite by now. Later on we "expiremented" by kissing every now and then just to help me figure out .. I was still confused so I didn't know whether to stop or go on .. I guess for a while there we were kind of "together" but it felt uncomfortable for me at times .. she was happy in it all and I never told her that I was uncomfortable.

Finaly I did but more so in the words 'I'm still not for sure".. then to take the next biggest step to find out... we did some really gross stuff... it was all interesting..and I was a virgin ( am still am) and so I was kind of excited by it all. so it went on for about another week or so.. then we took the "final step"... I became REALLY uncomfortable. But I wasn't for sure if it was cuz it was sex in general .. or because it was sex with another girl.

I just announced that I wasn't and that was that. That was all over a year ago yet I still feel really guilty and dirty because of it all ... yet I still have this voice inside my head saying "check out that hot chic" or sick stuff like that.

I found myself looking at girls in the locker room and going to pep rallys
just for the cheerleaders. I'm still telling myself "No! I'm not that way! I'm not!" because I really think it's a choice. I choose not to be... and I regret every moment I had with my friend.She and I are still friends.. she has a girlfriend now and I don't know how she feels about it. I know I can't always run from my past, and I can't erase it.. and I've been praying to God to release me from my guilt and to forgive me of my sin. What should I do?

Dear Dana,

I cannot tell you if you are lesbian or not, and what you do now (if anything) rather depends on that.

Mnay people experiment with their sexuality as they grow up, either alone or with others; I don't think that, in itself, is anything to feel guily about. No-one has been hurt, and the only person suffering now is yourself.

So if I were you, I'd forget the past.

But what about the future?

You are clearly very mixed up about sex; for example, doing things you are 'not comfortable with' should never be part of a sexual relationship, lesbian, hetero - or anything else. Seperate uncomfortable events from the issue.

You are also mixed up about your friend; well, few friendships go on forever without the odd misunderstanding. I sense that in some way you feel your friend is 'too blame' - forgive me if I'm wrong here - but what you did, you did from your own choice. Seperate friendship worries from the issue.

Which brings us back to sexuality. Part of your problem is that you are 'ashamed' of what happened, and you feel it goes against your Christian beliefs. That's the big issue; and you have to think that one through.

Are you really ashamed, or simply embarassed? Are you ashamed, or is it just that you think you ought to be ashamed? Or are you ashamed, period? I cannot tell.

Think about these issues; maybe read a book about same sex relationships; maybe talk with an older more experienced lesbian/bisex female who seems comfortable with the way she is. Make it clear you are simply asking for advice.

I do not think you have done anything that a Christian God would have a problem with; I see no reason for you to be haunted as you appear to be .

The future needs sorting out; but, as you say, you DO have choices, and there's no hurry.