Crush is crushing me.
I frequent an Internet message board concerned with dating and
relationships. I've met some great people there, but two in particular,
man and a woman. They live three hours apart, and get together once in
awhile. I live in too far away, so I rely on phone and e-mail mostly for
contact with them.
The man is the kindest, most companionable person I've ever met, and
we've been astonished how easily and completely we've become very good
The woman came to me acouple of months ago, and we spent a weekend in
together. She's wonderful, and I confessed to her that I have romantic
notions about the man.
She agreed to help in any way she could, and I told her all I really wanted
to know was if she thought he had any such interest in me, because I wanted
to be able to perhaps tell him how I felt, but only if it wouldn't create
awkwardness in our friendship. She didn't know, so I told her I'd have
to play it by ear.
The three of us have been planning a vacation together for months. To
me, it seemed like the logical thing to wait until I'd met this man in
and see if I still felt the same way before I even considered broaching
subject of romance.
Last weekend we went away. We had a wonderful time, with the woman and
I occasionally talking about whether I was going to say anything to the
man about my feelings.
Friday morning, she told him how much I liked him and that I was romantically
interested in him (while I was in the shower). While he took his shower,
she told me she'd told him. Essentially, she'd told him the ball was in
his court because I wasn't going to risk our friendship over a crush.
Sunday morning, barely before their flight left, he took me aside to
"I like you loads, but..." He said he'd even considered romance
before, but hadn't seriously considered it because it was "just too
complicated." He'd tried to figure out how he could move, which just
isn't feasible. He has four children and I have no such ties. I told him
that if it came to that, I'd certainly move to him.
Let's start with the fact that I wasn't ready for him to know this. Now
that it's out in the open -- especially since it was so premature -- I'm
afraid it ruins our chances of ever having a romantic relationship. He
"can't" do a long-distance relationship because of a bad experience
with one and I certainly wouldn't want that indefinitely.
Through that Sunday morning conversation and a phone call since we got
home, we have established how sorry we both are for any number of things
(hurting each other, scaring each other, not handling the situation the
best way, that it can't work out, that our friendship may be affected...).
I told him I wished things were back to where they were before our female
friend told him about this, and he said, "You're 34. I'm 40. We're
big people. We're adults and we can make that happen."
So we're trying to be friends just like before. I'm sure there will be
fragile moments and awkward times, but I think we both really want this.
Sadly, what I really want is some hope that we may be able to get together
romantically in the future. I'm not sure I believe in soulmates, but the
longer I know him, the more I think I may have found mine.
I know he cares about me a great deal, and as objective as I can possibly
be, I think if we lived within driving distance we'd never let each other
I'm far too close to the situation to think about it rationally. I don't
know what's possible and what's pipe dream. Normally, I'd pitch this story
to my friends on our message board. They'd throw all kinds of kind words
and good advice to me, but I can't for obvious reasons. I feel so
incredibly isolated. Any help you can give would be appreciated.
What exactly is it you want that you haven't already got? You have a
great friend, who could have taken advantage of your crush, but didn't,
and who has helped you to keep that friendship when either of you might
have felt so humiliated it could have gone forever.
Who knows what the future will bring? Why risk a great friendship for
what you have accepted is a crush.
But you know all that. You are doing great. I'd only suggest going one
step further. Tell them both that you realise you were a little over the
top, that it was a difficult time, and that it's now in the past. And
you're grateful they've been so supportive.
It'll be a lie, but it will satisfy your girlfriend - which is important,
and it'll make it easier for him. Let the future take care of itself.