I won't have him in my house

Barbra wrote:

I am a 42 yearold wife and mother of two "grown" daughters.

My problem is with my youngest daughter and her husband. They were married quickly after knowing each other for only 2 weeks.

On their wedding day The police came and picked up my new son-in-law. He spent the next month and a half in jail for disorderly conduct and DUI related charges.

During this time, I helped both of them. My daughter never moved out of my home and when she asked, my husband and I borrowed the money needed to finally bring him home.

When he was released from jail he moved in with us, with the understanding that he would find a job and pay back the money we barrowed for them.

Instead, I discovered that 10 checks were missing from my check book. I immediately went to the bank to stop payment on the checks but found that 5 of these checks had already been cashed by the bank, for a total of $280.00.

Copies of the checks proved that my son-in-law wrote out the checks to himself and signed my name to them.

My husband told them they had to leave.

They were living with his parents for a while but now they are no longer welcome there either. I can't allow my daughter to be homeless, but I am afraid of allowing this man back into my home. I want to believe that he wouldn't do anything like this again but I am afraid that he will.

Can you help? My daughter is 20 years old and my son-in-law is 32

Dear Barbra

Your son in law has abused your hospitality, and it is up to him to prove that he can be trusted; there may be ways you can help your daughter and him, but being stupid is not really the best way!

Your daughter has made her choice, and you would be risking losing her forever if you try to use his difficulties to force them apart.

If, and when, she decides she no longer trusts him, then you can draw a line between them - but for now, whatever you think, they are a couple.

So, if you want to help, you need to think of how you can help them - not just her.

This will not be remotely easy, and may be impossible, but the best way to find out is to ask.

Why not take them out to dinner. Say you would like to help, but be honest, and say that for the moment, you do not feel you can trust him.

Your daughter may not like that, and you must be careful to be clear that you respect her feelings, but she must resopect yours.

You won't accomodate him, you won't give them money ... is there anything, outside those areas, that they feel you can help.

I wish you all well; if you care for your daughter and her happiness, it has to be worth a try.