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I was betrayed by my bestfriend

Una wrote:

I've always believed I had talked myself into burying the past, but a
phone message made me realise I'm still carrying a heavy burden.

You see, I was going out with this certain guy about 3 years ago. And then he started dating my best friend behind my back (although I've always suspected it and has confronted him I was only met with denial).

Naturally, our relationship hit the rocks soon after, and he made it seem like the whole break-up was my fault as I had then become overly-suspicious and possessive.

Anyway, I've even spoke to my best friend about this, but she was on his side of course, so I never really knew the truth until much much later.

Anyway, I've gotten over this guy now. After a year of singlehood in which I tried to heal my wounds, I am now in a happy 2-year-old relationship with my boyfriend.

But I think I've never gotten over the fact that I was betrayed by my bestfriend. That nobody ever told me it had been going on, leaving me struggling to keep the relationship together even though it was bound to die any moment.

I would have been a happier person today if my ex-boyfriend and ex-bestfriend had told me straight from the start so I could leave the relationship earlier.

Anyway, for a few times during these 2 years, I've had dreams like when I visited my ex-boyfriend and ex-bestfriend and they had a baby and we were happily chatting. Or that I met my ex-bestfriend on the streets and we were happily talking.

I am aware that I'd like to bury the hatchet and not make any more enemies out of these 2 people, as well as a group of friends who were close with me when I was close with my ex-bestfriend.

But these people are closer to her now than me because I didn't spend another 2 years in the same college as them.

Now, the thing is, a friend from this group actually asked me some time
ago (yes we were kinda in contact) if we could all go out like we used to
(which means my ex-bestfriend included).

I said I didn't mind, but now that I just got a dinner invitation, I didn't want to. I don't mind being fair weather friends with these people now, but I simply do not want to be in the clique again. I don't think I can bring myself to trust them as I used to, and I think by rejecting going out with them for the rest of my life, I am protecting myself against being manipulated again. (I can be pretty soft hearted).

Do you think there's anything wrong with doing that? Am I being immature? Should I just ignore forever (and then they'd probably get the
message) or should I just grit my teeth and tell them straight that I don't
really want anything to do with them? Or what? Please enlighten me.

Dear Una

I'm not quite sure why you are so desperate to make peace, when you are quite clear in your mind that they wronged you, they have never apologised or made it up, and it still hurts.

But I'll leave that with you ...

Your willingness to forgive and make peace is admirable, but you admit yourself that you can be manipulated.

So why meet on their terms? I'm all for repairing old damage, but I'd never suggest walking into the lion's den to do it. Meet them in ones and twos on 'neutral ground' - don't go to something you clearly are not comfortable about. Please!

If it's not too late, find a good excuse not to go, but tell one in person, and maybe suggest the two of meet soon, rather than wait for another 'event' that way you're one-on-one, and you have the initiative.

Live safe, rebuild trust slowly.

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