True Love - or Bad Faith?

Barbra wrote:

Hi right, there's sort of something between me and my best mate's brother.

Well its been going on four months now, all that happens is that when I sleep there, me and my friend are always with her two brothers, in their room, play fighting, (yes childish, I know), but we're always touching, not by accident, and in intimate places.

Im 15 he's 14. I want more to happen with him but I never get to be alone with him, so I can't even speak to him, and he always acts as if nothings happened.

I wrote him a letter once, but he didn't do anything. Could you please tell me what you think is going on in his head?

I dont know whats happening, but no one knows, my mate doesn't, and I don't know what would happen if she found out, please help me! thanx.

Dear Barbra,

There's a thing called 'bad faith'; it's not necessarily bad, but it is dishonest. And that, I suspect, is happening here.

It's when one person - or maybe two - do something that is a cover for something else. It's a way of avoiding having to discuss something that seems dangerous. And it's a feature of young lads controlled by their hormones.

It's perfectly normal.

What I'll bet is happening is that, probably initially by chance, you two have come to an unspoken agreement to experiment. You're both getting something out of it, and you might consider not 'rocking the boat' - as you say, you could lose a friend, and you certainly won't get the guy.

You see, he's younger than you, he's the brother of your mate, and boys, lest we forget are a year or two behind, anyway. He isn't ready to talk about it, he probably is not yet capable of having a 'relationship' with you, and even if he was, you'd be bored to tears in a day.

He has got the sense to keep quiet, and I suggest you do too. Enjoy the learning, and when you've had enough - or it's just too frustrating - gently get out of the situation.

You are in control here; you must decide what you you want - and recognise what is not there to be had.

Don't resent it; there's no malice to resent - and don't be tempted to make a fuss or you'll lose a friend. Or two.

If you have the inclination, read Jean Paul Sartre; it's fascinating.