Does my mother take advantage?
My mother and I have a complicated
history. She has been Physically and
emotionally abusive my whole childhood.
After not speaking for 5 years, I
thought she had changed until this
Then I realized she was doing the
same things, but keeping it low key.
I recieved a phone call from my mother
at 11 in the morning, while I was
leaving to take my 8 week old son
to the doctor (He has a lung infection).
She wanted me to drive 45 minutes
to her work, pick up a check from
her, then drive 20 minutes to her
house and wait for a tow truck. I
was to give the driver the check.
I tried to explain that my son had
to see the doctor, I was to meet a
freind at the park and I had to be
at school an hour away, at 5. She
said I could call my friend and cancel
since it was suposed to rain. I reluctantly
said I would help her, knowing I wouldn't
have enough time.
I was at the doctors until 2, alot
later then I thought I would be. She
called me on my cell phone to see
where I was. I tried to back out gracefully
by explaining that my children where
hungry, which they were, they had
no lunch, I had to pick up a prescription
and be at school at 5. Plus I was
low on gas.
I didn't think I'd have enough time.
She told me to hurry up then. My son
cried the whole 45 minute ride because
he was hungry. When I got to her work,
I started to get the kids out of the
car, so I could feed my baby. She
expressed she was afraid that if I
fed my hungry son, I'd miss the tow
truck driver. I fed him anyway.
Then she said, "Next time I need
help, I'll ask someone else. Since
you are SOOOOOO busy. And since I'm
putting you out SOOOOOO much. I mean
really, after all I do for you."
Like what? I wanted to say, but couldn't
because of fear built up since childhood.
She didn't offer to give me gas money.
She didn't even say "Thank you". She
acted like she was the one doing the
favor, not the other way around.
Here is my question; Does my mother
take advantage of me? If so, how do
I deal with it? Leave the state to
Yes, she does, and you let her.
You do need to ask yourself how much
you need her, and how much she needs
you; Is she giving you a hard time
because she never sees you unless
she badgers you? It's not clear to
You need to decide, do you want her
in your life, or not? If not, then
it's easy, just say so.
If you do want a relationship, then
if she's unreasonable, it's you who
must take control of that relationship.
1. Contact her regularly,
(once a week? whatever you can live
with). Say you're just calling to
see if all's well, an sometimes (not
always) arrange to go see her. Ask
if she wants something picked up on
the way. Make time for the visit to
2. If she asks you to do something,
think before you speak. If
it's fine, then why not? If it's too
short notice, or you might not have
enough time, say no. Politely, but
no: "Sorry, I can't help you
3. Think about what she wants - does
she want to see the kids? Then say
"I didn't bring the kids, because
it's not good for them to see us fighting".
Let her know that if she's reasonable,
she'll get what she wants, if
she's difficult, she won't.
4. Be consistent, don't be afraid
to say no. It'll be worth it.