Yawn between two lovers?
I hope your solid,
shoot from the hip advice can help me.
I have been seeing a psychologist and pyschiatrist
regarding the below for two years.
Lets call the two men
Man Number One and Man Number Two.
Last year I broke up
with a man (Man Number One) who I had been
living with for six years. It was the hardest
thing I had done because I loved him deeply
but knew it wasn't going anywhere. Our
values were different. He wouldn't work,
was atheist, ran around, partied all the
time, and was emotionally unavailable.
Why did I stay? I had
the typical female thinking "I COULD CHANGE
HIM." Well I couldn't and I wasted six
years trying to do so. As a result, I was
devastated from wasting so much time.
I terminated the relationship
on my 27th birthday when I realized, Hey
I ain't getting any younger. I haven't
been married and I haven't had children.
I wanted to grow up and he didn't.
I met a man during
the last year we were together (Man Number
Two) and was the total opposite of the
man I was trying to change. He was everything
I wanted. He worked hard, was spiritual,
responsible, wanted a family, very sensitive
I immediately started
a relationship with him (bad idea) but
I wasn't emotionally over my ex (Man Number
I explained that I
needed time to Man Number Two and I explained
that I didn't want to commit because I
wanted to be free for a while.
I casually dated men
during this time, including Man Number
Two. He knew what I was doing the whole
time and agreed to the situation. I was
totally honest. He knew I needed to mourn
the old relationship and be free for a
while, but Man Number Two insisted he wanted
to wait for me.
He dated a few times
but he kept telling me he loved me and
wanted me. After one year, I realized that
I wanted to commit to Man Number Two, because
he had the majority of qualities that I
wanted in a man and husband.
I was ready to begin
a new relationship but wanted it to move
slowly. I was scared to get deeply involved
again but was willing to try. It has been
a year now and I have not lied once to
this man. I have never cheated on him and
have been honest and devoted.
This man who I thought
was so wonderful all of a sudden is showing
rather unfavourable qualities. Man Number
Two, although meeting 90 percent of my
needs, is insanely jealous. He is insanely
He says it is because
I made him wait so long to get over the
man from my six year relaionship. I have
done nothing but include this man in my
life since I committed to him. He is so
jealous that I cannot wear certain clothing.
He demands that I call him at specific
times so he knows where I am.
If we do not have
sex on a regular schedule he freaks out
that I must be with someone else (Man Number
One). He needs constant reassurance that
I am committed to him. He is extremely
controlling and I am extremely liberated
I feel like my dream
man has turned into my worst nightmare!
We started group therapy today and I don't
know how I feel about this now. I am 28
years old. I keep telling him I am committed
to him but he won't stop seeing me as the
free person who is casually dating and
not over my ex.
Lately, his jealousy
has been turning borderline violent and
emotionally abusive. Like pushing me into
walls, screaming in my face, and accusing
me of sleeping around all the time. We
started therapy today together.
Am I just wasting my
time again trying to change somebody? I
would appreciate your advice!
I do have a certain
sympathy with Man Number Two; you have
kept him on a string, and while you say
you've committed to him, you also witter
on about being a 'free person'; to that
extent, you remind me of a one-time partner
of mine who could never say "WE"
- Can you?
While I fear you are
'bringing out the worst' in him - that
'worst' was there before - and would have
probably surfaced one day.
You do not say whose
idea the therapy was - if it was a genuinely
shared decision, I wish you luck, and do
give it a chance. It will give you - both
of you - the chance to see what you have
in common - and help you to stop worrying
about your differences.
If either of you pushed
the other into it, it is unlikely to work,
as you'll tend to focus on the differences.
You need to reassess
him - Man Number Two - is he really 90%
of what you want? Because 90% is pretty
You need to reassess
yourself, too. Are you still attached to
Man Number One? Why? You'll never move
on until you face this obsession.
You need to examine
your motives. In one note, you told me
your age twice. Are you so frightened of
age? Or frightened of not having an 'Insurance
Policy' for when the 'freedom' gets boring?
Men are often stupid, but sooner or later,
they notice when their role is no more
than a Credit Card Holder.
You say you wanted
to grow up and have children - but you've
avoided real committment.
Time to face the truth
- about you, as well as them.