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Haunted by the Past

Bonnie writes:

My best friend recently shared with me that she is thinking about dating someone I dated four years ago. This ex took my virginity after dating him for a year and then never talked to me again because he went back to his ex-girlfriend.

I was immensely hurt by what he did, and my hatred still has not subsided. Now, my best friend wants me to give him another chance to be nice to me - she insists he's changed.

I really don't want to see my best friend get hurt like this - she honestly believes he's changed.

Should I just let her get hurt and try to make peace with him, or stay angry and stay away from him?

Dear Bonnie,

First be clear, this is your problem, not his, not your friend's. You've given her your side of the story, doubtless he's given his; if she still wants to see him, fine. Unless you want to lose a friend?

You need to come to terms with your anger, and the hurt underneath it. Do you really hate him, or secretly still want him? I don't know - maybe you don't. But you need to resolve this as it's damaging you.

But that's a separate matter; day-to-day, you don't need to see him just because your friend is, do you? If you respect her right to choose her friends, she should equally respect your right to choose yours.

That's friendship. Not dificult to manage. And when you bump into him, be civil.

You don't need to kiss him or kill him - merely share a planet.

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30 November 2016  |     |  Contact