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He loves - but won't marry

Nina wrote:

I have been in a relationship with a man for 5½ years, and living with him for 4½ years. I love this man very much and wish we could get married.

But here is the dilemma, he says he has been through two previous marriages that left him emotionally and financially drained, and he has "panic attacks" whenever he thinks of getting married again.

Even though he assures me he loves me and it is not the thought of marriage to me that brings on the "panic attacks", just the thought of marriage period.

So here is my question to you Anon, should I just go on in the relationship with this man without the security of marriage, or should I cut my losses and get on with my life without him?

Of course this is not the whole story just the sum of it. The whole story would take too long. And I do love him enough to just stay in the relationship even though I want to be married.

Dear Nina

On the face of it, he's being honest with you, and saving both of you from making a serious mistake. Let's face it, if he's loused up two marriages, you can see his point?

But the fact you are writing to me suggests that you are not convinced.

I'm sure there's much you have not told me, and so I can't come right out with a view .. but answer these questions honestly, and you'll have your answer.

  1. What wrecked his marriages - bad choices, bad behaviour or bad luck (or ... ) ?
  2. Is it the 'idea' of marriage that you want, or the legal security?
  3. Do you trust him. Really?
  4. Does he trust you. Really?

I suspect this is about security, not marriage itself. How much do you need, how much is he prepared to give?

Is there a difference?

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30 November 2016  |     |  Contact