He still controls me
I was married for 12 years to a wonderful
man. I wanted to please him very much.
So when he criticized the way I dressed,
I dressed differently. When he didn't like
my volunteer work I stopped it. When he
disliked a friend our friendship usually
After 10 years of trying to be the wife
I thought he wanted, I realized it just
wasn't possible because something I did
or said was always wrong and I would get
a verbal scolding. The 11th year I put
all the blame for my feelings of being
controlled on him. I asked (begged) him
to go to counseling.
The answer was no. I started wishing I
was dead (I'm not suicidal) then I wished
he was dead. The 12th year I realized that
if he was controlling me, it was my fault
for allowing it. Told him I would leave
if we didn't get counseling together, by
this time I was already seeing one on my
own. So we went to counseling, and he always
found some fault in the counselor, and
we got nowhere. So I left, not planning
on filing for divorce.
[a lot more]
Now none of these hurtful things were
said in front of the shrink but to me alone
and when I would confront him in front
of the counselor he would say that I had
misunderstood, or he was hurt and didn't
mean any of it and that he understood he
was controlling and would work on it, but
once we were alone it would always come
back to being my fault.
[a lot more]
So I told you all this to ask you how
can I learn to accept that there is never
going to be an "us" with him and move on
with my life. I'm 48, retired, doing volunteer
work at the local Jr. high school, date
occasionally (by choice, male attention
is plentiful) and at unexpected times I
feel my eyes fill with tears and I suddenly
so very sad that it's hard to get through
another second, minute, hour, day, week,
month ... then I have to pull myself together
and stop feeling sorry for myself ... but
even though I know better... here I am
all this time later just waiting ... not
moving forward. So how do I move forward
and really enjoy what's left of my life?
Thanks for the detail, which gives me context
to give you a clear and straight reply.
I've shown enough so that the many thousands
of women in a similar situation will recognise
after all those years of control, it's
become a habit. He's controlling you from
inside, and he will as long as you give
have to put physical distance between you.
Every contact reinforces this Troll
in your brain.
Must Take Control. Look yourself in the
eye in the mirror and say "It's My
Life". Then live it.
it ain't easy - but you have a choice;
take your life back, or leave it with