My husband's a loner ...
I've known my husband for 10 years,
married for six months. My concern
is his cursory relationship with his
close relatives. He will be 50 years
old in December and is an only child;
his mother died in January.
He says he has had a close relationship
with his mother but his father never
had time for him. I never experienced
any warmth between his mother and
himself. She was the type of person
who never really had time for her
close relatives either. Now he is
responsible for his father; although
he is in an nursing home, he resents
every aspect of caring for him; he
admits it's a chore for him because
he has nothing to say to him.
He has completely alienated himself
from his biological children (19 and
20) They have been in therapy over
the fact that they have never been
close to him...the harder they try
to get close, the further he alienates
himself from them. He admits that
he doesn't even miss them and can't
wait until they are old enough so
he can stop paying child support and
then not have anything to do with
He has known my children since they
were babies (my twins are 11 now).
He has never really had a warm relationship
with them either; especially one of
them which he's admitted that he just
doesn't like her.
As for myself, I have learned to distance
myself from him when I feel he is
in a dark mood...he is not the romantic
affectionate type (never was; only
when he wants to get amourous); we
kiss goodbye in the morning, but most
often, he will go to bed at night
without even saying "good night".
I have always had a warm, open, affectionate
loving relationship with my twins
of which he has been exposed to on
a daily basis; I felt that if he saw
how a loving family interacted on
a daily basis, he would open up and
participate. I have suggested therapy,
of which he states rather emphatically
he doesn't need ... only his children
He honestly feels that he doesn't
have a relationship problem; it concerns
me that he can so easily turn himself
off emotionally to those who should
be the most important to him.......I
might add, that he will go absolutely
out of his way to to things for others,
no questions asked.
I have asked him why it's so important
to him to do this, but tune himself
out to the emotional needs to those
who are supposed to be the most important
and close to him; he maintains this
I have pointed out to him, that
he had better hope he doesn't end
up in a nursing home because neither
his biological nor step children will
feel the need to take care of him
and he will end up alone like his
father. It has given him food for
thought, but hasn't improved the situation.
He's aware that others use him when
they need something done, but still
doesn't hesitate to run when called.
I need to understand his need to impress
others, while fostering contempt in
his family. Thank you so much for
shock you, but there are millions
of people just like him - and I suspect
it's an increasing number. It might
be your problem, not his.
it may be that he isn't as happy with
things as he likes to suggest - but
that's up to him; this has been his
life, it's not a sudden thing. It
might be your problem, not his.
there just may have been some major
trauma in his life, he may be emotionally
scarred. But it's his business, until
he makes it yours. It might be your
problem, not his.
other hand, you took him on as he
was, knowing him quite well. And now
you are trying to force him to change.
If that's the case, you'll fail, and
ruin your marriage. It might be your
problem, not his.